One year down...

It occured to me yesterday evening while out on a 3 hour walk that I rarely attempt tasks that do not have concrete endings. I went to high school, finished that and 4 years later, I went to college, where another 4 years passed and that task was completed. I've had dozens of jobs that I knew would either end when I returned to school or when the current school year let out for break. I've played season after season of soccer, always aware that about 25 games (if we're lucky) would be played and that too would end. I've grown quite accustomed to envisioning the end even as I embark on a journey. I'm not cognizant of the events that will unfold in the middle, but I am promised by a clear-cut curriculum/schedule/pay-period that there will be an end.

Despite the fact that medical school is broken down by a rigid curriculum, and after 4 years I will again graduate, I know that each year is simply a mile marker on a journey that has no predetermined ending. You do not graduate from medical school and then take a few years to figure out what you want to do. You simply jump right into the rest of your life as a professional.

This is a very foriegn concept to me; thus, at a time when I should be wholey relieved that my first year is over, I am actually experiencing a bit of anxiety. I am glad (and in desperate need) to have a break from the work, but it feels a little off. Instead of feeling closer to an end, I feel as if I'm only stepping deeper into a mystery: the mystery of being a skilled individual with responsibility (aka, an adult?). Soon, I will no longer fumble around wondering what skills I should acquire to impact the world around me. In a few short years, I will be equipted with tangible skills that directly impact the course peoples lives. Unexpectedly, this is frightening.

Confidence is something very few people who really know me would say that I lack, but this new 'project' (becoming a physician) has humbled me more than I anticipated. Throughout the past year, when no one was watching, I have put on my white coat and admired my reflection in the mirror. In the beginning, I felt important, smart, and cool, but lately, I just chuckle because I know that I can no longer fool myself. I may look like a doctor, but I haven't got a clue! Though humility is often unpleasant, I truly hope that it remains a part of me. I hope that in 10 years, I will still laugh at my reflection, knowing that I've still got a lot to learn.