feeling a little crazy...

I've been itching to write for weeks, but I've allowed lack of direction and at times lack of complete or coherent thoughts to keep me from hitting these shiney little buttons. Perhaps my lack of direction has to do with the waves of nihilism countered by moments of great hope that have become my reality during this season of advent. My poor bipolar heart isn't quite sure of what to make of times, which often lends towards a sort of intellectual paralysis.

Let me explain some of this with a quick summary of some of the events from last week:

Last Monday, I became profoundly frustrated by the fact that so many Christians support legislation that will give tax reductions to the rich, reduce the amount of domestic funding for poor folks that need assistance, and increase spending for war. I became a bit nervous and maybe even scared when I learned that evening that a good friend will be heading to Washington DC to participate in civil disobedience in response to this legislation, a move that could have him arrested and possibly compromise his professional standing.

On Tuesday evening, I spent 3 hours repairing bikes with a new friend (whose enthusiasm for bicycles convinced me to come despite the fact that I know absolutely nothing about repairing bikes) along with 4 or 5 gentlemen over 55. Mission Arlington, the parachurch organization who graciously or foolishly let this girl (who didn't even know how to remove and inner-tube from a tire at the beginning of the night) volunteer, will give hundreds of used and new bicycles away as Christmas gifts. I left overwhelmed by both the generosity of the ministry and the enoromous patience and assistance everyone had given me.

Wednesday, I read half of a book that exposes some of the major features of the critical condition of the health care industry in the US. I wanted to finish it the following day, but it was just too depressing. It really made me wonder about what I'm getting myself into by becoming a physician. I'm finding it harder and harder to reconcile a profession where I will serve the 'least of these' but am required to become part of a very, very croocked establishment? From where I sit, it seems like crunch time, when being a "critic-from-within-the-establishment' may actually only be interpretted as "complicity with the establishment."

Thursday was a 'snow day,' which means a day of solitude for those who live alone. It was quite nice to have time to meditate and sip tea. It gave me time to sober up from the emotional beating I'd given myself the day before.

Finally on Friday, after a long telephone conversation with a trusted friend followed by coffee with a new one, I was convinced that even my madness can momentarily be subdued. It's crazy, confusing, and complicated out there, yet brief moments of clarity and compassion are just around the corner when you understand that you're not alone.

Thanks to all the folks in my life who listen so well, who are often equally clueless, who humble me, who help me to be more comfortable with uncertainty, who care, and who in general, make me feel less crazy!!