Just Be

I just did the most amazing thing I've done in weeks: for about 20 minutes, I watched the steam rise from my cup of tea in complete stillness and silence. I found myself sitting on the couch without a desire to read, no energy to move, no one to call, and the cup of tea sitting in a spot of sunlight on the edge of the coffee table.

I propped my feet up and just lost myself in the beauty of the steam floating off of the surface of the liquid, illuminated by the midafternoon light. Sometimes, the mist floated up in peace and just vanished. Concurrently, a wild storm would be brewing and suddenly hurl itself in a perfect helix toward the sky. Then a tightly wound spiral would flip downwardly off the edge of the cup as if it were diving into the pool of light below. Next, ribbons of steam gently drifted upward, celebrating their newfound freedom. Sometimes the mist resembled definable shapes, but mostly they defied definition and even description. Those 20 minutes were ones of entertainment, meditation, therapy, and magic.

I'd nearly forgotten how to stop. I'd forgotten that it's healthy to do things that aren't 'productive.' I'd forgotten that I wasn't created to study or to become a professional or even to write a witty blog; and certainly not to utter the words 'should be' or 'should have.' The truth is that I've become terrified of stepping out of a routine that has become very comforting, not because of its ease, but it's consistancy. Medical school is no walk in the park, but I've deluded myself into believing that it is managable; therefore, it is secure. However, the lifestyle of medical students is unsustainable and in the end, ultimately unhealthy. In some ways, I am that cup of boiling tea. The energy required to remain at boiling point is beyond my capacity and my purpose; thus, by nature I am moving toward a state of lower energy, toward stillness and peace. I swirl around the surface of the foaming world that demands my energy, but eventually, I'll reach the critical point where I must choose between the rat race of the moment or rest and renewal. Noble dreams of service and responsibility pull me towards the former, but I know my heart constantly yearns for the latter.